Mother Fucking Ashleigh

So few posts, so much mush of emotions. So hey, why not one more.

I'm going to talk about Ash. God damn, mother fucking Ashleigh.

Here's the deal. I miss him. I fucking miss the guy. It's only been 5 days away from the bastard, yet I think he is the number one topic of conversation since I left.

So I'm scared shitless. He's from a broken home so I know I am supposed to be stable and show him that I am not going to randomly leave, but I am fighting this urge to cut all ties out of complete fear. How on earth do I rationalise this fear? Oh hey, there is this guy who understands you, respects you, and treats you like an equal. Bitch, run for your life. I mean surely there is something wrong with someone who wants me right?

I'm fat, ugly, dumb, sadistic, sarcastic, needy, and the list goes on and on.

I told him "I think I might maybe love you." and then that night I mentally went through my checklist of how many steps it would take to break all ties with him. I want him. I want to run away from him. All I know is everything comes back to him.

I'm not ready for this. I didn't plan on this. My "self discovery" trip to Thailand was only meant to be a quick three month trip. Time out of my life. Time away from emotional connections with people. Time for just me.

Two fucking weeks in, I met this kid. Charming, charismatic, and just as bitter as me. I tried to keep it casual, I tried not to feel. This is normally my fucking expertise. I am brilliant at not getting attached to people. It's normally a very conscious choice for me. I remember the exact moment I saw Ash one day and melted. All I knew was from that point on I needed him with me. I needed him in my life. I needed to be his, and he needed to be mine.

Now old independent me is trying to plan my life around someone else. I still have dreams. My ambitions haven't changed. I just need him there with me. And that knowledge itself is enough to make me pack my bags and never look back. I think I might, maybe love him.