ED's Making Himself Welcome

I have huge issues with bulimia, a brief stint with anorexia, but mostly I am just a fat fuck who has no self control and has to purge to not be morbidly obese.

Well I got pretty serious about my diet a few months ago. I was planning on going to my friends wedding in January and knew that I needed to drop a few kilos to be able to even show my face.
Yes, I have been dieting for over a year. Yes, I know that I write heaps of ed related posts. For the majority of the time those strong thoughts only last for a week or two before fucking Mia jumps back in and I become a fat fuck again.

But this feels different. I don't know how to explain it, but I am starting to freak out. I have successfully lost 7kg now and according to my initial goal I only have 1kg to go. I'm not even at my goal yet, but I think even the idea that I might actually reach a weight goal has freaked me the fuck out. I instantly changed my goal to a total of 10kg lost. Fucking huge red flag there.

I'm also becoming a vain prick. I'm always body checking and have to weigh myself every hour or so. That's fucking stupid. I don't need to do that. But I can't bloody stop.
I was on a motorbike today and all I could do was stare at my legs refection in the windows we drove by. I had to see if I looked skinny. Would other people that saw me driving by think I was skinny?
What does it matter? I don't know them. I don't care about them. But I need for them to think that I am skinny? What the fuck?

I've also started fainting again. I'm not thin enough for that to be the cause, but I think I have been over stressing my body and dehydrating myself. It fucking sucks. I can't stop.

There is nothing better than the high I get when I see the numbers drop, but that moment only lasts for 5 minutes tops. I then feel like shit for the rest of the day.

The voices are back in my head. That static noise constantly reminding me that I'm not there yet. That I have to work harder. That at some point I will be happy…. Deep down I know that I will never be happy. The idea of being happy with my body just doesn't seem realistic.

I just can't…. Fucking hell ED, I need you and I fucking hate you.