Don't do the math. Don't do the math.
I don't want to know. I can't know.
Fuck todays fucking binge.
Started at 7am and it's now 9pm.... non-stop.
Fuck. Fatty, fatty, fuck.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
ED's Making Himself Welcome
I have huge issues with bulimia, a brief stint with anorexia, but mostly I am just a fat fuck who has no self control and has to purge to not be morbidly obese.
Well I got pretty serious about my diet a few months ago. I was planning on going to my friends wedding in January and knew that I needed to drop a few kilos to be able to even show my face.
Yes, I have been dieting for over a year. Yes, I know that I write heaps of ed related posts. For the majority of the time those strong thoughts only last for a week or two before fucking Mia jumps back in and I become a fat fuck again.
But this feels different. I don't know how to explain it, but I am starting to freak out. I have successfully lost 7kg now and according to my initial goal I only have 1kg to go. I'm not even at my goal yet, but I think even the idea that I might actually reach a weight goal has freaked me the fuck out. I instantly changed my goal to a total of 10kg lost. Fucking huge red flag there.
I'm also becoming a vain prick. I'm always body checking and have to weigh myself every hour or so. That's fucking stupid. I don't need to do that. But I can't bloody stop.
I was on a motorbike today and all I could do was stare at my legs refection in the windows we drove by. I had to see if I looked skinny. Would other people that saw me driving by think I was skinny?
What does it matter? I don't know them. I don't care about them. But I need for them to think that I am skinny? What the fuck?
I've also started fainting again. I'm not thin enough for that to be the cause, but I think I have been over stressing my body and dehydrating myself. It fucking sucks. I can't stop.
There is nothing better than the high I get when I see the numbers drop, but that moment only lasts for 5 minutes tops. I then feel like shit for the rest of the day.
The voices are back in my head. That static noise constantly reminding me that I'm not there yet. That I have to work harder. That at some point I will be happy…. Deep down I know that I will never be happy. The idea of being happy with my body just doesn't seem realistic.
I just can't…. Fucking hell ED, I need you and I fucking hate you.
Well I got pretty serious about my diet a few months ago. I was planning on going to my friends wedding in January and knew that I needed to drop a few kilos to be able to even show my face.
Yes, I have been dieting for over a year. Yes, I know that I write heaps of ed related posts. For the majority of the time those strong thoughts only last for a week or two before fucking Mia jumps back in and I become a fat fuck again.
But this feels different. I don't know how to explain it, but I am starting to freak out. I have successfully lost 7kg now and according to my initial goal I only have 1kg to go. I'm not even at my goal yet, but I think even the idea that I might actually reach a weight goal has freaked me the fuck out. I instantly changed my goal to a total of 10kg lost. Fucking huge red flag there.
I'm also becoming a vain prick. I'm always body checking and have to weigh myself every hour or so. That's fucking stupid. I don't need to do that. But I can't bloody stop.
I was on a motorbike today and all I could do was stare at my legs refection in the windows we drove by. I had to see if I looked skinny. Would other people that saw me driving by think I was skinny?
What does it matter? I don't know them. I don't care about them. But I need for them to think that I am skinny? What the fuck?
I've also started fainting again. I'm not thin enough for that to be the cause, but I think I have been over stressing my body and dehydrating myself. It fucking sucks. I can't stop.
There is nothing better than the high I get when I see the numbers drop, but that moment only lasts for 5 minutes tops. I then feel like shit for the rest of the day.
The voices are back in my head. That static noise constantly reminding me that I'm not there yet. That I have to work harder. That at some point I will be happy…. Deep down I know that I will never be happy. The idea of being happy with my body just doesn't seem realistic.
I just can't…. Fucking hell ED, I need you and I fucking hate you.
I'm a Bit Shit.
So it turns out that as soon as interesting things actually happen, I fuck off blogging.
Go figure…
So we are going to work on this, allegedly.
I'm going to spam this page with too many posts in the next few days and then probably fuck off again.
I find that writing my thoughts and feelings down, really helps me to process them. It allows me to go back and read over it with a new perspective and evaluate the authenticity of my opinions.
Anywho. I'm a bit shit, but I'm working on it.
Go figure…
So we are going to work on this, allegedly.
I'm going to spam this page with too many posts in the next few days and then probably fuck off again.
I find that writing my thoughts and feelings down, really helps me to process them. It allows me to go back and read over it with a new perspective and evaluate the authenticity of my opinions.
Anywho. I'm a bit shit, but I'm working on it.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Mum's On A Diet
My mother has recently been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid graves disease a few years earlier. Since finding out she has decided to diligently watch and track all her food and excercise.
I'm really happy that she has decided to be so healthy, I even showed her my favourite food tracking apps. But she is getting obsessive about it. She tracks everything, bought a fitbit, and is constantly checking her stats throughout the day. I want to support her but I'm actually jealous.
She's my mother. She's 50. She's had 4 kids. And right now she is healthier than I am.
I still weigh 10kg less than her, but I know she is going to get skinny soon and I don't know if I can handle the idea of my own mother being better than I am.
I know that makes me a horrible person. I know.
I'm really happy that she has decided to be so healthy, I even showed her my favourite food tracking apps. But she is getting obsessive about it. She tracks everything, bought a fitbit, and is constantly checking her stats throughout the day. I want to support her but I'm actually jealous.
She's my mother. She's 50. She's had 4 kids. And right now she is healthier than I am.
I still weigh 10kg less than her, but I know she is going to get skinny soon and I don't know if I can handle the idea of my own mother being better than I am.
I know that makes me a horrible person. I know.
Saturday, 18 July 2015
Not so fucking awesome
Yeah so I suck at teaching. I get all the lesson plans correct. I do everything right. I try so hard. But I still just hate working with children. Seriously.
Tuesday, 14 July 2015
Hill Tribe Hangs
You know what sounds like a great idea?
Going up to the mountains with 29 10th grade students for 5 days.
It's a bloody dream come true.. Right... Right?
I joke. It wasn't that bad. The 4 hour ride, squished between the door and a guitar, was made even better by the 10 roasted chickens that were placed under my knee.
Total perk of being the bosses daughter is knowing that if there is no more room in the car, I get to sit in the boot! Hells yeah. Aside from not having any feeling from my waist down, it was a decent trip.
We spent a night with an old friend of mine in the Karen village. I actively avoided these places growing up. I hated that I lived in Thailand and refused to join these trips. Now I hate myself for not going more often.
It's seriously beautiful there. Sleeping on wooden floors, waking up to the animal noises. It's actually amazing.
The kids wern't quite as happy. They thought that they were roughing it back in the hotel in HangDong. Then they realised that they needed to shower with a bucket of cold water. The horror. Even better was the realisation that the only bathroom was a good old fashioned squatty potty... Tears were shed.
Unfortunatly, roughly 16 hours in to said trip, I became ill. I'm not talking sniffles. I'm talking things spewing out of all ends. I'm talking about passing out every time I had to stand up. So I got sent home early. Yay?
Going up to the mountains with 29 10th grade students for 5 days.
It's a bloody dream come true.. Right... Right?
I joke. It wasn't that bad. The 4 hour ride, squished between the door and a guitar, was made even better by the 10 roasted chickens that were placed under my knee.
Total perk of being the bosses daughter is knowing that if there is no more room in the car, I get to sit in the boot! Hells yeah. Aside from not having any feeling from my waist down, it was a decent trip.
We spent a night with an old friend of mine in the Karen village. I actively avoided these places growing up. I hated that I lived in Thailand and refused to join these trips. Now I hate myself for not going more often.
It's seriously beautiful there. Sleeping on wooden floors, waking up to the animal noises. It's actually amazing.
The kids wern't quite as happy. They thought that they were roughing it back in the hotel in HangDong. Then they realised that they needed to shower with a bucket of cold water. The horror. Even better was the realisation that the only bathroom was a good old fashioned squatty potty... Tears were shed.
Unfortunatly, roughly 16 hours in to said trip, I became ill. I'm not talking sniffles. I'm talking things spewing out of all ends. I'm talking about passing out every time I had to stand up. So I got sent home early. Yay?
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